You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
