I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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