I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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