How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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