How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
