It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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