I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
