Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
