we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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