Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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