I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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