my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
