i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
