I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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