the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize