His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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