No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
