Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
