Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
