im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize