The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
