While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize