if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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