His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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