she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
