Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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