Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
