Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
