just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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