This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
