I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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