I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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