i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
