dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
