yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
