How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
