I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
