So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
