Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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