Pants 0. Shit 1.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
