The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i think i just lost a toe
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
