Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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