even my farts smell like vagina
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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