he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This house was built for laser tag.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
