But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
are you so shy because you have an std?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
