I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
