I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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