i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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