I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
