Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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