The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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