I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dick very happy bro
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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