last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
