how can u be prego again
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
