i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
