I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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