did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
