I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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