I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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