Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize