i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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