I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
