I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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