Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
