just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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