the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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