Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
