He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
