Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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