I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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