I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
