I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
