yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
