and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
