Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
