So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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