Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
