the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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