apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
